
“I can’t take it anymore! I’m leaving!” With a suitcase full of Barbies in tow, my five-year-old stocking footed, no coat self was out the door that late fall day. My father opened the door while my mother stood silent. I was going to the church. The kind priest who came to our home a few times just might listen and things would change.
Or would they?
Doubts of change swirled in my tiny frame. I looked back to see if anyone was following me. Nope. Not even anyone in the window watching as I marched up the hill. Were they really going to let me go and tell all that goes on behind our doors?
I often feel like things depend on me. Logically I can tell you that this is not true. However, because of painful life experiences my body speaks loudly that this is true.
I MUST have the right words, do the right things, figure it out, be the responsible one…
Here is where I become steeped in an old message that to survive there is something that I must do. And if I cannot “get it right”, it heightens my fear that there is something wrong with me, that I am stupid, that I don’t belong, and that I am not loved.
I am a capable woman. There are a lot of things that I do get right. I’m also a responsible woman. But the above belief places me in ownership of many things that are not mine to own. Fear keeps me pinned to false beliefs. And when fear rules me, it creates false conclusions about the world around me and my identity.
And I know exactly where this came from.
As a child, to survive stressful or traumatic circumstances, I compensated by creating a false version of myself. My younger self quickly took the blame – the chaos and harm were my fault. There is something wrong with me. I was bad. I was selfish. I was stupid. I had a big mouth. I couldn’t sit still. I couldn’t stop crying. I was bad and needed punished. This explained why things were happening to me and around me.
You see, it was too much for my young heart to place blame where it belonged.
Those causing the harm were people in whom I depended. I wanted to pull away. Yet I needed to stay connected to the offenders. The choice: appoint blame and jeopardize my wellbeing or take on the guilt and try to maintain the status quo.
You’ll be the one in trouble Robyn. Don’t tell the priest.
So, after about an hour hiding in the neighbor’s bushes and no one coming, I reluctantly turned my five-year-old self back to my house. Even at five, I knew on some level that nothing had changed. Nothing but me.
Blaming myself, ended that dilemma.
Now, as a child I did not just wake up one morning and come to that conclusion. For the most part, it was a subconscious choice to stick with a pain that was familiar. Even as a little one, I preferred the known pain over the unpredictable. Believing my painful experiences were because I was flawed led me to believe lies about myself. Lies that had been verbally and nonverbally communicated to me through the actions and responses of others.
I began living a false identity – one of fear that the lies might be true.
I’ve spent many years engaging the particularities of my childhood complex trauma. I can tell you my story accurately naming the harm, my shame, how I use contempt, the agreements/vows I have made to protect myself, and my war with desire. I know when younger parts of me are triggered and feeling powerless and try to offer kind care. I’ve also let go of much of the childlike ownership of the reasons why the abuse occurred. I was bad, stupid, ugly, different, talked too much, too curious, etc…
I believe there is always a deeper still, and something essential was missing in my healing journey.
I have never addressed core fears.
As young as five I began coping with fear and powerlessness by trying to be strong, independent, and in control. As an adult, I dismissed fear by calling it stress, anxiety, or overwhelm. If I am not attending to the core fears and feelings behind my behaviors, then I will not experience change on a deeper level. I’m just managing – not changing.
I am no longer five years old.
It is time for “deeper still” work and to let go of my false identity based on fear. Attending to my core fears has been difficult good work. I have acknowledged my deeper fears, named where I learned to be afraid and what I need to know about that fear, recognized the false identities I took on myself in that fear, asked myself what is true about me, then what does that look like and how I am to bring that forward into my life/world.
At my age I have been managing fear for decades. Things are slowly changing. I’ll be patient.
I am also a woman of faith in Jesus. Who is it that you say that I am? When you talk about me, what is it that you say?
As I attend, Jesus is redeeming my belief system. When my beliefs are in alignment with His love, my fear and shame transform into security and truth. Then my mind can begin to focus on my true identity and who it is that I was always meant to be. Who is it that you say that I am?
It’s not that I will never fear again…
This week I have had to attend to core fears. But I am not living in fear. You see, telling myself the truth, changes my mindset, transforms my life, and brings a new courage in the face of all that life throws at me. It frees me to be the person God created me to be.
I am living more each day in what is real and experiencing a new measure of freedom and feeling more alive. Sounds like an awesome way to start the New Year.
And I know a five-year-old part of me who is relieved of her burden and delighted to be seen and taken care of in truth.
It swirls in her tiny frame…
I feel it.