“What stands out about 2023 for you?” my husband asked as we rang out the old year in a crowded restaurant.
Inside my eyes rolled. Okay, maybe even on the outside. I was all set to respond, then abruptly stopped. What initially came to mind were all the negative, difficult, or traumatic experiences of 2023. And there were many.
Here we are in the third week of the New Year, and I continue to hear from people that 2023 was a year of some hefty emotional lifting. Many shared experiences that they described as a year of “you just can’t make this stuff up.’’ While others shared ongoing uncertainty that left them with waves of anxiety and fear – even depression. “This past year seemed worse than 2020.”
Their sentiments about the passing of 2023 could be summed up by these lines from Lord Alfred Tennyson’s poem:
The year is dying in the night.
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.
~Ring Out, Wild Bells (1850)
I’ve certainly had similar thoughts myself. Good riddance. Let the year die!
Research has found that we remember the negative times better than the positive. It is because our emotions influence how we process memories. We remember more accurately the details of experiences that caused negative emotional reactions.
Why? The short answer: If your body believes it’s in trouble, it will focus your attention on details that will enhance your survival. Don’t take my word for it – research it for yourself.
My husband gave me a quizzical look. He knows I don’t usually lack for words. Not wanting to be a downer, I was struggling with where to start.
Like many of you, our past year was full. Negative/positive, sorrow/joy, fear/confidence, death/life, trauma/calm, etc… It seemed to hold more negative events than in years past. We certainly felt the waves around here!
So, I do tend towards pessimism. A childhood of complex trauma taught me that to survive you need to always be ready for the next shoe to drop. Old ways of survival can be automatic and difficult to break. But that night, I made a conscious decision to start by honoring the positive. Remembering times that brought me an overall sense of well-being that came from being happy. These memories included moments like being curled up by the fire reading to literal mountain top experiences.
Remembering good memories can release dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of pleasure. Happy memories can positively affect our mental health. My earlier eye roll sure needed some good care.
Yes, we honored the negative. But because we had named the positive, we were able to remember and not relive the negative. Although, some of our negative experiences are fresh. When I felt my body ramp up (which is my go-to), I named it and then asked myself, “Where is my sadness?” And when I felt my body shutting down, I asked myself, “Where is my anger.” These questions helped me stay engaged (regulated) by accessing both reason and emotion; instead of being ruled by the emotions of our more recent experiences and reliving them.
If you read Tennyson’s poem, he does speak of casting aside all that is sad and bad about the year. More deeply he speaks of his hope that better characteristics of human nature will emerge in the new year. We all hope for better, in ourselves and in others. Although difficult, the sad and negative experiences also taught me some things about myself. Now, I certainly don’t want to repeat those experiences! They were painful and I do wish I could have learned differently. But I don’t want to completely throw out those sad and negative experiences. I believe they have made me a better human and I am grateful for the growth. Yes… that has come with some acceptance (which I am better at on some days than others) and perspective.
Absolutely, there were experiences in 2023 that I wish I could change. But the negative does not wipe out the whole year as bad. Living more authentically has meant appreciating the good things while also recognizing and dealing with the challenges or drawbacks. I am learning more each year how to hold that tension with honor. Even in years where the negative seems to outweigh the positive.
There is one thing that I am certain about, 2024 will be yet another both/and kind of year.
redeemingrobyn 